31. SARAH fucking PALIN

The Yankees have clinched, so let me start with congratulating my lovely team, because I legit bleed navy and white pin stripes. <3 

Here is a lovely ghost-post:

I am going to preface this by saying that by nature, I am an angry person. I am especially angry when I have to a) wait for more than 15 minutes for a train, b) around idiots, and c) watch the Yankees lose. I guess God finally decided to spite me this weekend, because all three of these things transpired. Despite this, I decided that the week had to get better, so I didn’t tell anyone (or anything) to die in a fire. Until now.

There are few people who make me as angry as Sarah FUCKING Palin. First of all, the woman was grossly unqualified to run for Vice President (20 bucks says she did a strip show for McCain’s senile ass and that convinced him to put her on his ticket), she has an accent that sounds like a Canadian getting raped up the ass by a moose, and she gives Rahm Emanuel, one of the loves of my life, shit for using the word retard. Well I have news for you Sarah FUCKING Palin—you are as retarded as your dumbass kid Trig. What kind of name is that anyway? TRIG? OH WAIT YOU HAVE ANOTHER KID NAMED TRACK? THAT IS EVEN STUPIDER THAN JOBA WHICH I THOUGHT WAS THE DUMBEST FUCKING NAME OF ALL TIME. Anyway, I wish the only reason I wanted this dumb bitch to DIAF was because of her nomenclature system for her little Alaskan spawn. Or because of her idiotic Tea Party (You know what happened in the Boston Tea Party, assholes? SHIT FELL IN THE RIVER. I WANT TO PUSH ALL TEA PARTIERS INTO THE HUDSON RIVER SO THEY GET AIDS AND DIE). No, this was prompted by seeing her dumb ass cheering on “Bristol the Pistol” on DWTS.

Bristol Palin is a grade A retard (whoops, sorry Sarah, didn’t mean to insult you again…oh wait I did). First of all, she let herself get knocked up by Levi Johnston. A joke of a man—he didn’t even show peen in Playgirl. But anyways, bitch wants to do anything for her 15 minutes of fame, so she goes on DWTS. Fine. BUT DON’T THINK THAT YOUR DUMBASS NO-BRAINED MOTHER CAN APPEAR ON MY TV WITHOUT INCURRING MY WRATH. Sarah Palin, what do I really have to say? Of course people boo-ed you. Because you are a dumbass cunt with shit for brains. You are basically a Tea Party prostitute. Why don’t you go fuck Scott Brown somewhere in his home state of Massachusetts and let a fire consume the entire state? That way, we would have two idiots DIAF at the same time, we would get rid of Papelcunt, and we would get rid of the bank robbery capital of the world. In the words of Danielle Staub, BYE.

- DR. B. WALDORF

I mean seriously... someone please teabag that whore and make her DIE IN A FIRE...                   SARAH'mytitsaretoolargetofunction'PALIN

25 -30 Yankee Pitchers/sux-ers/Naggers/MfuckingTA

25. So, apparently I need to make another entry about the MTA. NYMag had this article a couple of days ago [http://nymag.com/daily/intel/2010/09/mta_introduces_video_screens_t.html] called "MTA Introduces Video Screens to Subway". I don't really understand why, "'Customers in a transit environment can expect increasing levels of sophistication in advertising,' a spokesman said. At least this gives people somewhere to fix their gaze when trying to avoid making eye contact with creepy fellow commuters." IS THIS REALLY NECESSARY? Why does the MTA think that putting video screens in stations is a good idea? First of all, there's all this buzz about wanting to increase the price for an unlimited and even restricting the number of rides one can take using an unlimited. Why the fuck is the MTA using our fucking money to make make video screens? Shouldn't they fucking add more trains to increase it's efficiency? We are in an age where most of the population has an ipod, a smart phone, or even an ipad. WHY WOULD ANY COMMUTER WANT TO LOOK AT A FUCKING VIDEO INSTEAD OF GETTING ON A TRAIN QUICKLY AND REACHING THEIR DESTINATION IN A TIMELY FASHION? GOD WHY IS THE MTA SO FUCKING DUMB??!?!?!?!! HALF OF THE PEOPLE COMMUTING IN THE CITY DON'T EVEN SPEAK/READ ENGLISH, SINCE SO MANY FOREIGNERS COME TO VISIT... ARE THEY FUCKING RETARDED? UGH. MTA DIAF. 


26. In my last entry I wrote about people who create fires in their kitchens, by setting pasta on fire and that stupidity astounded me. If that wasn't already bad enough, I was informed that some people don't know how to use microwaves... WHO THE FUCK BURNS MAC AND CHEESE IN A MICROWAVE? there are absolutely no excuses for this. common sense guys. common sense. plate w/metal +mac and cheese + microwave = DIAF!


27.  The redsux deserve to be in this entry because they are the bane of my existence. Am i bitter because the yankees lost to them tonight... absolutely... but do they need to DIAF... YES. papeldouche + big Retardi + Beckett... like... EVERYONE. 


28. JAVIER FUCKING VAZQUEZ! HOW DID YOU EVEN GET TO THE MAJOR LEAGUES? ANYONE WHO HITS THREE CONSECUTIVE BATTERS NEEDS TO 1) NOT BE A YANKEE 2) DIAF!


29. Unfortunately Joba's 25th birthday was yesterday, and after finding out he had a troubled life growing up, since his mom was a drunk and his father was handicapped...I wanted to give him a break... but to be honest... NO WONDER HE FUCKING SUCKS AND GIVES UP HOMERUNS IN RELIEF. GOD! Like i'm sorry, I'm glad you were able to come this far in your career, given where you're from... BUT PLEASE... DIAF!!!!


30. LAST BUT CERTAINLY NOT LEAST: Dear nagging parents... IF I DONT DO SOMETHING ITS BECAUSE I DONT WANT TO.  THE AMOUNT OF NAGGING IS DIRECTLY PROPORTIONAL TO THE AMOUNT OF RAGE AND THOUGHTS OF STABBING YOU IN THE EYE. I GUARANTEE IF YOU STOP NAGGING... I WILL GET AROUND TO DOING THINGS THAT NEED TO BE DONE. very. fucking. simple. STOP NAGGING... or... DIAF. 

24. PEOPLE/THINGS THAT START FIRES

a) TORNADOES --> WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT TORNADO ON FRIDAY? LIKE REALLY? I don't need Twister coming to reality... it definitely needs to stay in the movie world... DIAF.

b) TERRORISTS [self explanatory]

c) PEOPLE WHO BURN BOOKS--> http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/rnr/1962324423.html
I don't know why i even clicked the "rants/raves" on craigslist, oh right... because I was bored and had applied to all the jobs available, pertaining to what i want to do. Who are you? Like burning a Koran is going to solve anything? NO. DIAF.

d) PEOPLE WHO START FIRES BECAUSE THEY LEAVE THINGS UNATTENDED IN THEIR KITCHEN -->
I know not everyone is a gifted cook, like myself [insert cocky laugh] but shouldn't everyone know how to boil simple foods without having the food actually burn up in flames? I believe so. Google exists for many reasons, so please use it or go buy Cooking For Dummies, or just put that pasta in the pot, and leave it unattended, but this time wait until you're alone and DIAF.

e) dear baltimore orioles... DIAF. you have a reliever named UEHARA.... like UE-HAR-A-LOSER.  dearest criminals [who don't wear yankee fitteds] in baltimore... please find your orioles who have a 59-90 record and are in last place in the Eastern Division... AND BURN THEM IN A FIRE.

- JPSYCHO.

23. John McEn-IDIOT

John McEnroe, also known as Johnny Mac, was really one of the greats during the 80's. He won his fair share of Grand slam titles both as a singles player and a doubles player. I'm not writing this entry to criticize his tennis skills at all, but just because you were once a great master of a particular sport does not mean you can automatically be a great commentator; ie. JOHN McEN-IDIOT

Now, if you're an avid tennis fan, like myself, you must have heard Mr. Johnny MacIdiot commentating on various matches during the US Open, and if you haven't... then you're actually in luck. After hearing some of his comments a dear friend was threatening to inject her own ears with sodium pentathol.  First of all I will use quotation marks, but it may not state shit word for word, but trust me you will get the gist of what McIdiot and some of the other commentators say.

After Youzhny broke Isners serve [John Isner has a ridiculous serve, he's among the leaders in aces/fastest serves etc] J-Mac said, "i hate to say this, but u know what i think? Mono might be contagious... maybe Isner's feeling under the weather because of Roddick". I mean who the fuck says that? Like andy would ever like kiss isner. [ok, i know its not JUST transmitted that way, but still... like WTF] GAH. Another comment made: "we are witnessing two attractive players and a handsome fight here at arthur ashe court" ARE WE WATCHING PORN OR A CAGE BRAWL? i don't get it. And who compares tennis players to baseball players? "pitcher-batter duels... Rafa at second base, Serena at 3rd base, batting cleanup" Was John trying to fucking make a steroid-related joke about Serena? [ha... i mean Serena + steroids = a-rod-esque] UM BUT NO!!!!!!!!!!! I love the idiotic "seagull references"... are you scratching your head? Because I definitely was too... half of the time I'd rather have the matches on mute. WHAT GUYS MAKE COMMENTS LIKE THESE: " LOOK AT HOW MUSCULAR HIS LEGS ARE. THEY HAVE NO HAIR ON THEM..." I DONT UNDERSTAND WHAT HAVING HAIR OR NOT HAVING HAIR ON HIS LEGS SHAS TO DO WITH TENNIS AT ALL WATSOVER. Ok... i'm done. IDIOTS/DOUCHES SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO BE COMMENTATORS.  

JOHNNY McIDIOTdOUCHE... DIAF!

22. Sammi "Sweetheart" & Ronnie "The President of the IFF"

i'm fucked foundation
Season two of the Jersey Shore is even better than the first season, i kid you not. At first I wanted to just include Sammi in this post, but after seeing the "after show" I think this calls for a special edition of DIAF: COUPLES EDITION!

Ronnie- Firstly, if your friends call you the president of the "i'm fucked foundation" there's a problem. If your "bros" are saying you suck and you're treating ur ex gf/girl you come home to every night and "smush" even after swapping spit with some hos in the club, then it must be true. I would have no problem with Ronnie if 1) hadn't lied to Sammi and 2) hadn't called her his gf. Whatevs, he knows he's in the wrong, but no matter what its just gross, especially when his response to "you wanted to have your cake and eat it too" was " i have fat guy tendencies" . yeah. um. DIAF.

Sammi "Sweetheart'- Ok, her nickname on this show is "sweetheart" not "dumbass oblivious idiot". I'm tired of her whining. I'm tired of her approaching everyone in the house about whether or not Ronnie did something, when she FUCKING KNOWS THAT EVERYONE IS BEING SILENT BECAUSE THEY ARE ALSO FRIENDS WITH RONNIE!!!! How can you be THAT DUMB? oh... another person suffering from nocelphaly [see entry talking about people suffering with no brain syndrome].

Honestly, you guys really deserve eachother. Please hold hands and walk towards the darkness as you DIAF!

~ J-POW signing out

21. BROOKLYN "DECK-HER IN THE FACE" RODDICK

Last night Andy Roddick's match literally left me in such a depressed state that I had to turn off my phone, sign off aim, grab another beer from the fridge and watch reality TV until I could finally fall asleep. You may ask yourself, "How does this even differ from your nightly activities?" Ok, fine. I find myself doing most of those things on a nightly basis anyway, but I was too sad to even write about the dipshit named after a NYC borough. Half of the time Brooklyn's face was captured by the cameras, she either looked like she was about to take a shit, or she looked as bored as I would look if I were watching golf. YOUR FUCKING HUSBAND WAS PLAYING IN THE SECOND ROUND OF THE US OPEN, YOU FUCKING CUNT BAG!

I digress, and will now address Andy's fucking rant about the foot fault. Did he need to calm down? Yes he did, because in the end it WAS a foot fault. Now, granted that the lines judge woman heffer was correct about the foot fault, Andy's temper/rant/ comment  "Call 1-800 Rent-a-Ref" was slightly unwarranted [but made me love him even more than I did before, which I thought was nearly impossible], he did have a point, because that dumbass ref should have corrected herself and said it was the other foot, because the way Roddick serves does not allow him to make the infraction with the foot she was attesting to.

It was a very long and sad night for me, but I have faith that Roddick will return to the US OPEN and redeem himself, because I know he still can win it here in NYC. Maybe next year he'll be welcomed with open arms by Queens, after the loser Brooklyn "deck-her" DIAF!

VEINTE

20. IF YOU'RE GOING TO JUMP ON A SPORTS TEAM/INDIVIDUAL'S BANDWAGON, AT LEAST LOOK UP SOME SHIT ABOUT THEM/HIM/HER BEFORE YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH AND SPEW OUT SHIT THAT DOES NOT MAKE SENSE. IF YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT AND ARE JUST STARTING TO LEARN ABOUT IT, DO NOT MAKE ERRONEOUS STATEMENTS, JUST TO "BE COOL," BECAUSE PEOPLE LIKE ME ARE GOING TO WISH YOU WOULD DIAF.